Hello, this is Kari. David asked me if I would like to post a follow-up to his post on December 2, 2010. Of course I would; the past few months have been …. amazing.

About a month ago I went to an Introduction to Zen Meditation class at Blue Heron Zen Community (where David is a member).  At the start of the class, we each introduced ourselves and said why we had come.  When it became my turn I stated my name and then for the “why are you here?” part of my introduction, I felt the words “I have a back injury and blah blah blah…”  forming in me, ready to spill out as they had so many times before. The words ran up my spine, as if this was their spotlight and they wanted to take it. After all, my visit to the Zen center was due to my meeting David and deciding to enter his care as part of my quest to quiet my back pain. I met David at my chiropractor’s office where I had gone to quiet my back pain. I had gone there on the advice of my trainer who I had gone to in my efforts t to quiet my back pain. I had met my trainer through… oh, the story is so, so long. Anyway, my mouth opened to say those words “I have a back injury and blah blah blah…”  when part of me screamed “No!!! I will not define myself that way!!! I am NOT defined by my back injury! I am not!” I closed my mouth, I paused, I smiled, I took a breath, and I started again. With a big smile I said “I am here because I am seeking ways to bring more peace to my body, mind, and spirit.”   I felt an incredible surge of joy and I laughed to myself. I felt like I had cut the line to an anchor embedded in the rock, mud or whatever of the seabed; I left that anchor on the seabed and sailed far, far away…

The other day at work I had an interesting experience. My eyes felt tired so I took my glasses off and closed my eyes for a minute. When I opened my eyes, I looked around a bit before grabbing my glasses. I am very nearsighted with astigmatism so what I saw was my same office, my same world, but everything was in a blur and looked so different. My computer was still there, the text on the screen was still there, but to read the text I would have to lean far forward towards the screen until the text became clear enough. The papers on my desk were still there, but to discern which paper I needed I would have to pick it up and hold it close to my face. Everything in this world was hard to do without extra effort. Everything I needed was there but on the fringe of me being able to use it effectively. I put my glasses on. The text on the computer is easily readable! The paper I need is right there! Everything in this world was easy to do and needed no extra effort. Everything was there, in arms reach when needed. Same office, same world, but two different environments and totally dependent on how I chose to view them. One environment involved extra effort for every task, one environment held ease for each task. The environment with my glasses off equaled extra effort to complete even simple tasks, but using the tool I have been given – my glasses – I could see clearly and function effectively. I had the tool, the power, to choose which environment I wanted to be in. I could choose how I wanted to view and work in my office. Just like the moment in the Zen center when I chose how I wanted to describe myself. I can choose how I see my world … and how I see myself! I can choose!

These are just two examples of many marvelous experiences I have had in the past few months. Am I “all better” now? No, I have much work before me. But even with the knowledge I have more work to do, I bask in the joy that I have experienced an overall decrease in pain, an overall increase in peace in my mind, and several explosions – watch out, I may go supernova on you! – of delightful discovery. I have more clarity regarding the paths and tools available to me, and with this improved view I am better able to choose how I want to proceed on my journey. I can choose. Yes, I choose!

Can we then extend this inquiry from not only our day to day routines… but what about the things that have caused us suffering in the past? Like a chronic pain or illness… or how about someone at work that keeps rubbing us the wrong way? What if you were encountering this person for the very first time? Might we react from a place of patience and compassion instead, rather than from the emotionally-charged place of our “history” with that person. The “expert-mind” wants to chime in and be like, “yuck… not him again, he’s always such a self-centered jerk… I’ll definitely need to put my defenses up to deal with him today”. Most of the time this is all unconscious… but, of course, this is then going to color our overall experience, our speech, our actions, etc.

It’s easier said than done right?! And the mind is at the root of it. A practice of cultivating a beginner’s mind is necessary. Meditation (in my opinion), is the best… and believe it or not, probably the most efficient way to attain this. But if meditation is not on your radar at the moment… just consciously bringing inquiry, curiosity, and most of all, vast openness to your experiences and situations is a great place to start.

Susan and I arrived at Jeff’s house and his brother gave us a very thorough tutorial of do’s and do-not’s (mostly do-not’s). Some of it was fairly intuitive, while other aspects definitely made you stop and think. We went off to a range in Everett, armed with a .22, a .45… AND, a .44 Magnum revolver. Yes, you read correctly… a Dirty Harry-style hand-cannon! Bullets for this madness cost $1/piece (see pic below). We ammo-up and gear-up with eyes/ears protection. Jeff makes it a point to let me know that the guy behind the desk seemed to be in a good mood that day… and that often times he’s a bit of a bastard. Comforting, right? A normally very grumpy individual armed to the teeth!!

Jeff and I are in one lane, while Susan and Steve are next to us. We start with the .22. He shows me how to load the clip, puts up a target and sends it out down the lane (not too far). As the clip is loaded, and the safety is switched off… things are really starting to come together as to what a mindfulness practice this really is. Nothing quite like having a loaded weapon in your hands to lasso you in to each and every moment. I do pretty well at remembering all the do’s and dont’s. One of which (an obvious one), don’t have your finger on the trigger unless you’re going to shoot. So I have the gun in my hands, loaded, safety off, and then turn my head (not my body) to ask Jeff a question… still with my finger on the trigger! Now since we’re in a range and the gun was still pointed down the lane, not such a big deal. BUT when not in this controlled setting, I can certainly appreciate how important it is to REALLY pay attention to every thing you are doing. Already lots of good zen-practice and I haven’t even fired the thing yet!

When it comes to accuracy and shooting, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is to anticipate the “kick” from the gun. We are taught to line up the sights, settle into our breath, and gently… slowly… press the trigger. I kinda-sorta appreciated this with the .22, but it wasn’t until the .44 Magnum that this teaching made itself quite self-evident. This is a gun that takes thumb-sized bullets (ok, I’m exaggerating, but not by much!)… and a noise that could wake people up in China! With this magnitude… I was very quickly handed the lesson of what letting go is all about. We may go through our lives trying to “be in control”, holding tightly onto our opinions, preferences, and expectations… and then when it comes to actually perceiving our situation with clarity and precision, we often times miss the mark. But if we can show up with openness, softness, and simply allow the situation to be what it is… allow it to appear and disappear, then our mind can have laser precision. So not having an experience of the .44 Magnum, I came into it with as much of a beginner’s mind as one could. My first pull of the trigger was slow and gentle, and fairly accurate. This was short-lived. My body and mind then started catching up to the earthquake that just occurred within me. Each subsequent shot got worse and worse, as I began anticipating the noise and the kick. My mind had already started creating “stories” as to what the experience was going to be like.

Susan and I switched lanes… so she got to fire the .22 and the bazooka. I got to work with Steve, and his .45. The .45 certainly bigger than the .22, but certainly less than the .44 Magnum. I had a similar experience as far as accuracy goes. Then Steve lined me up, had me put my finger on the trigger as he put his finger over mine. He told me to just relax and feel HIM pull the trigger. They were micro-movements, I tell ya… and then the gun fired. Wouldn’t you know it… a very accurate shot resulted! With some practice, I started to have groupings of shots that were closer together.

In the end, we all had a great time, and I look forward to going back. I very much appreciate the zen-teachings that came along with the experience. Most of you know, I’ve ridden motorcycles for the past handful of years… and the teachings are similar. Riding a motorcycle, like firing a loaded weapon… forces you to pay meticulous attention to what you’re doing and the situation all around and within you. The more tension you hold, the more your mind is attached, the higher the propensity the situation will have an unsatisfactory outcome. Well, I’m grateful to Jeff and his brother, my friend Susan, and all of my teachers… both in human-form and inanimate!

Here is some recommended reading for ya:
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Zen in the Art of Archery

Generally after at least one of the meals there is a work-period. This is another half-hour, where everyone has a specific job to do (also in silence). Zen-centers are never short on tasks that need attending to. Kitchen clean-up, sweeping the floors, vacuuming the steps, cleaning the bathrooms, raking leaves, pulling weeds, just to name a few. I appreciate how everyone participates in this, from the first-timer to our most senior teachers.

After work-period, there is a rest-period. This is a great opportunity for people to get some tea, do some stretching, or catch a quick cat-nap. Me, I’m generally preparing the next meal in the kitchen. The signal to come back to the meditation-hall rings throughout the zen-center, and everyone finds their cushion again. We’ll have 4 30-min sitting periods back to back with 10-minutes of walking meditation in between each. While this is going on, koan interviews are being conducted in the interview room on the first floor. Like our seated meditation practice, talking at-length about koan interviews would not be so helpful. It’s truly something one just has to experience. One of the things that makes zen so unique is the one-on-one transmission from teacher to student. This time is two-fold: an opportunity to ask a question about how your life and your practice are intersecting, as well as for the teacher to help you recognize where your mind is getting stuck. You can probably see the importance for only “authorized” teachers to be working with students in this way!

A koan (or kong-an in the korean tradition), is a question usually (but not always) based on a story or dialogue between a zen-master and a student(s). I shutter to give this example, but its probably the closest thing that people MAY have heard before as a reference, “what is the sound of one hand clapping?”. The answer to any koan can only be answered “correctly” from a mind that is clear. The answer is demonstrated before the mind is filled to the brim with intellectual, conceptual, or witty answers (those are always off the mark!). There are thousands of koans, each asking the student in a unique way to cut through their thinking-mind, and truly see their situation/relationship clearly, and then respond clearly. Any given koan can be “homework” in someone’s practice for a month or decades… it all just depends on the mind! For me, this part of the practice is challenging, humbling, and very much enriching. I am so grateful to have three skilled teachers (and Zen Master Ji Bong), that are able to support our practice in this way.

The flow of the day is fairly similar then after lunch, and after dinner (if applicable). Finally, at the end of a one-day retreat, we repeat two of our core chants, and close the altar. After so much silence, the chanting that fills the meditation hall is harmonious and powerful. I always look forward to this part. We then finish up with a circle-talk. All the cushions are organized into a circle, cookies are brought up from the kitchen, and we go around the circle each sharing a brief thank you and/or experience as to how the retreat went for them physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.

There you have it… Blue Heron Zen Community generally has a retreat every month, anywhere from 1-3 days. During the summer, we also do a 9-day retreat. If interested, check out their website for more information!

There are many traditions out there, so this is just a brief look into the retreat format within the Korean Zen tradition here in America. They can start as early as 4:30am and go as late as 9:30pm each day, lasting anywhere from one day to 3 months or so. Each retreat is led by someone referred to as the Head Dharma Teacher. He/She makes announcements, keeps time, and basically makes sure everything runs smoothly. Then there are the senior teachers called “Ji Do Poep Sa Nim” (Guides to the Way, or Dharma Masters). These are individuals who have been training under the same Zen Master for at least a decade (usually longer). They have demonstrated over the years a certain kind of meticulous effort and skill as they engage their momentary life. They have a calling to teach and spread the Dharma through compassion and wisdom. Finally, they are authorized to give koan interviews. I’ll talk a little bit more about this later. But many dharma-centers or temples only have one individual, usually the head-monk, able to give koan interviews. At Blue Heron Zen Community, we are blessed to have three very skilled teachers that have been given this honor.

To round out the lineup, we have our guiding-teacher, Zen Master Ji Bong (Robert Moore). He received transmission (and given the title of Zen Master) from the famous korean Zen Master Seung Sahn after almost 30 years of training. Now with a collective 40 years of training under his belt, he oversees the teaching and practice of Blue Heron Zen Community in Seattle and the Golden Wind Zen Order in Long Beach, CA. We are very lucky to have him…

Zen retreats are always silent, and this begins the moment you come into the zen center. If you need to communicate something to someone, there are pads and pens located throughout. The attendees come into the dharma room (main meditation hall) one by one, bowing as they enter. Each finds their cushion for the rest of the day and gets settled into their meditation posture. This is my favorite time of the retreat. It’s still dark and cool outside. People’s minds haven’t kicked into high gear yet. The vibe is easy, calm and peaceful.

Then the Head Dharma Teacher welcomes everyone, asks us to bow to the senior teachers/zen master, followed by an orientation and reading of the temple rules. The temple rules are very old and are a wonderful way of not only carrying out your life while at the zen center, but even just day to day. Everyone then recites the 4 Great Vows and does 27 full bows. Bowing is its own practice… not a devotional display, but one of humility, respect, and movement (which can help cut through a mind full of stuff!). Then we go through our core chants which takes about an hour, including the Heart Sutra. This particular one is chanted throughout all (or at least most) sects of Buddhism. Chanting is also its own practice… one of breath, compassion and heart-opening. Then, we start the core of the retreat – a combination of seated meditation (approximately 10-14, 30-minute periods per day), walking meditation (10 minute periods), 2-3 formal meals, 1-2 work periods, and koan interviews.

More to share in Part II…

Photos courtesy of Taso Papadakis – http://www.tasophoto.com
Anita Feng, JDPSN and Eric Nord, JDPSN responsible for the beautiful Buddha sculpture
See more of Anita’s extraordinary work here

Kari (pseudonym) has just begun receiving five element acupuncture in my practice. She had been in multiple car-accidents, two of which very close together in proximity back in 1993. As you can probably guess, she has had to deal with a considerable amount of physical pain. And when talking to her for the very first time, what struck me the most was how palpable the pain was on the level of her mind and spirit. But as we sat together in the entrance-way of a mutual acquaintance, and she was telling me her story… beyond the pain and the tears, was an extraordinary woman. This was someone obviously kind-hearted, strong in spirit, and a power to change and heal that could inspire. And the lingering question in my mind was… so what are you holding onto?

When she then came to see me in my office for the first time, I sent her home with this question as a bit of “homework”. When you wake up in the morning… check in with your body, your mind, your spirit… and then ask some version of this question – “am I holding anything today?” , “what can I let go of?” , “what am I holding onto?”. She said to me at first nothing was coming up, which is perfectly fine, great, and very normal. Upon further inquiry she shared with me wanting to let go of simply being “someone with a back-problem.” That this was all she saw herself as… a woman with a back problem. All her beauty, all her strength, all her wit and humor, all her passion, all her innate wisdom… nowhere to be found. Interestingly enough, the Metal Element also has a lot to do with self-worth and acknowledgment, a look at our own value and purpose.

Unfortunately, what Kari shared is all too common. We have become a society that is disempowered when it comes to our health. It is so easy to create an identity for ourselves based on our syndromes, disease, whatever is “wrong” with us. Admittedly, there’s a strong part of me that is about to get on my soapbox and point fingers at allopathic medicine, insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies, etc. I’ll choose not to. I will choose to just do what I can to educate and empower one person at a time to take their whole-health back into their hands.

For Kari, part of her journey toward greater health and healing (I believe), will be to really SEE herself… to really experience herself in ALL of her glory. The potential within her unleashed so that her spirit can shine and radiate withing herself and on those that come into contact with her. The anger and frustration being held onto won’t have a place to perch and simmer. To be replaced by compassion, forgiveness, and light. Instead of simply a woman with a back problem, there can be an awakening and acceptance… no, EMBRACE… of a strong, beautiful, and free body/mind/spirit, fueled by inspiration and passion.

Of course there is no way to know what this will look like, how will it unfold. If there is one thing I’ve learned over the years, is that when you’re working with holistic medicine, an authentic healing process is organic and cannot be dictated. This is not about fixing Kari’s back, but energetically reminding Kari of her full potential. My job at the end of the day is to help put the five-element cycle of energy back into balance. If the patient and I have done that in our hour together, then their own innate healing processes are guaranteed to kick into gear and we then see how it manifests. So there is no pressure on her as a patient or expectations of me as practitioner… because we are just going to do it. I’ve seen it happen enough times to know that it is within us all. It is nothing short of magical to be a small part of it and watch it unravel.

As a shamanic practitioner, Christine is a vessel, an instrument of the spirit guides that are here to support all of us along our journey to embrace our highest selves. One of the final pieces of the appointment was to remind and replenish my unique life essence. She then shared with me what came up – peaceful courage, non-attachment, and playful curiosity. “Playful curiosity” was fun to hear and be reminded of considering my post last week. “Non-attachment”, a key aspect of zen practice… and a never-ending work in progress. This could be a whole other post, though a concern for me that came up was where non-attachment becomes a sort of emotional/spiritual apathy. Christine assured me this was not a part of the energy that was being re-integrated.

“Peaceful courage” was what stopped me in my tracks a bit. What did that mean? I’m still stewing over it. What immediately came to mind was Dan Millman’s book “Way of the Peaceful Warrior”. I tried to write this post on sunday after my session, but I really couldn’t articulate much. With further investigation (curiosity), it occurred to me that this notion of peaceful courage was actually something that felt very systemic within all that I do… or at least what I attempt to bring to everything I do. From a five-element acupuncture perspective, it feels very much like an energetic inherent within Water. The will and calm force it takes for deep waters to wear away at rock over time. It’s a slow process, with many unknowns… requiring patience, fluidity and adaptability in order to not stagnate or overwhelm. This is my mandate. This is what fuels the momentum and passion behind my acupuncture practice, zen practice, and all of my relationships.

Over the years, in regards to my relationships (both friendship and intimate), I have noticed that some are really attracted to the sort of “intensity” I bring to the table… and for some, its a bit too much. In my younger years, I thought it was something I needed to change about myself… asking, “what is wrong with me?”, “am I some sort of crazy person?”. In recent years, I have really embraced it. And let me tell you, I have some of the greatest friends one could ever ask for. And you know what? They’re all pretty f!@#n’ intense… AND we wholeheartedly love each other! They are authentic, compassionate, and have the utmost of integrity. They are shiny mirrors of peaceful courage… as artists, practitioners, husband, wife, mother, child, friend, spirit of this universe. I see the peaceful courage that it takes to truly be passionate about something or someone… to truly be and actually share your authentic self.

In the end, I’m grateful for the work done with Christine and the reminders that were brought to the forefront. I am grateful for an incredible crew of friends. And I am grateful for all those that walk through my treatment room doors. The peaceful courage it takes to reach out for help, allow oneself to be vulnerable (which is not always peaceful), and open up to what their healing potential can unfold… is nothing short of extraordinary. I humbly bow to all of you…

And no doubt the greatest teacher of this lesson are my patients. Khosrow, one of my Five Element Acupuncture teachers, said something like, “if you’re clearing a block on one of your patients… and the pulses change, great, stay curious… if their pulses don’t change, great, stay curious… let them teach you how to help.” This was VERY hard for me in the beginning. I had such a personal stake in whether I helped my patients get better or not. If they were doing well, I was doing well… if there was someone I couldn’t help, it really affected me. I later realized this was not healthy… and not a remotely sane perspective. I overheard someone last week at an event refer to themselves as a “healer”. I have to say, anytime I hear this word, I cringe a little bit. It is my opinion, that we can only be healers for ourselves and no one else. I do not heal people… period. Hell, I’ve got my hands full with trying to heal myself, let alone heal somebody else! At the end of the day, all I’ve got is a working knowledge of one system among many within Nature’s medicine. And the goal of that system is to FACILITATE the reorganization of the five-element cycle of energy withing someone’s body, mind, spirit toward balance. After that, all I can do is stand back and watch the magic unfold with peaked curiosity!

The same is true (and possibly moreso) for the “patient as teacher” coming to see me. If they are fixated on how their healing process SHOULD be, this usually ends in disappointment. But, if they are curious and open to the vast array of possibilities as to how they could actually feel and heal… than that curiosity more often than not is met with profound and inspiring changes. I’ve seen it happen time and time again. I can’t even put into words how honored and inspired I am by those in my curiosity-shop. They are the healers, they are the magic-makers, they are MY teachers…

In January ’09, I started having pain in my sacro-iliac joint (a bit lower than what one might call their low back). It got worse and worse, and then in August of that year after my blue-belt test and a 9-day meditation retreat… my body let me know that it was time for me to bow out of the external arts. I was upset and frustrated. I had settled into an art and school that I really enjoyed training at (Seattle Kajukenbo), and it was all being taken away from me. Over the next 6 months, I had been to MANY body and energy workers, without much progress. I then tried to ease my way into Aikido (for 8 months)… and while “softer” than Kajukenbo, it still took its toll.

About a month ago, I decided to stop the insanity, and LISTEN… and more importantly, LET GO. Let go of a passion, let go of a goal, let go of my ego. This is a process of being humbled that can be difficult to embrace. But one can choose to focus on what is being lost or focus on the potential that lies within the vast possibilities up ahead. But now what? The answer that appeared was to go “internal”. This realization coincidentally collided with when Tai-Qi and Qigong Master, Kim Ivy, owner of Embrace the Moon was rolling out a Teacher-training program that had been in the works for a couple of years (I believe). Kim is extraordinary… on so many levels. Her skill is as deep as her heart and mind are wide. She teaches with skill, humor, humility, and integrity… making her classes accessible to ALL. I resumed her Chen Tai-Qi classes that I started many years ago, and we started brainstorming on my role as both teacher and student in her new program. It is truly very exciting!

To bring this full-circle to the other practices I’ve been entrenched in… Zen and Chinese Medicine. Fully observing and acknowledging my situation while letting go of my attachments were the keys to alleviating my suffering, at least in-part. This time of year, the energy of the Metal Element… asks us all to let go (the Colon meridian) and take a DEEP DEEP breath of what is to come (the Lung meridian). Then repeat!

As for my back… with the help of some extraordinary practitioners (to be highlighted later) and generating new internal movement, I believe things are beginning to release.

Below, I’ve included links to some extraordinary teachers/schools that I recommend in the area… along with my upcoming workshop on the Metal Element!

Embrace the Moon – Sifu Kim Ivy
Tenzan Aikido – Sensei Bruce Bookman
Seattle Kajukenbo – Sifu Melinda Johnson
Workshop on the Metal Element – with little ol’ me

A few years later, a very close friend of mine fell ill, and was in need of major surgery. I knew she liked the dulcimer, so I visited her in the hospital after her surgery, set up the dulcimer, and was hoping to just lift her spirits a bit. It was very well-received by her, her family (particularly her dad), and anyone who was in ear-shot on her floor. For me, it was wonderfully heart-warming to help in any way I could. It’s a situation where you can’t help but feel like there’s nothing you can do – you want to help, but how, while someone so dear to your heart is going through something so traumatic? Later she communicated to me how “healing” the music was… it was all she could really grasp on to. I felt honored and touched…

Last week I received an email from her saying that a family-friend of hers is in the hospital and will be having a double mastectomy on Wednesday. She asked if I’d come and play. Unfortunately, I sold the dulcimer about a year and a half ago. So we put our heads and resources together and rented a small one from Dusty Strings. We arrived around dinnertime, and she had just gotten out of surgery that morning. I have to say she seemed in fairly good spirits considering what she had just been through. Oddly enough, she seemed very familiar to me… not sure if we’d actually met before. Perhaps in another life… she felt like a kindred spirit in any case. Insecurity can come out at real inappropriate times… as I proceed to go into that I haven’t played the dulcimer in over a year and a half and I am keeping my fingers crossed that the music can still play through me for her.

I finish setting the dulcimer up on her bedside meal-cart thingy, take the wooden hammers out, get my feel for the layout of the strings… and just go for it. People were coming in and out, conversations were still carrying on, and I was just in the background… perfect. A little while into it, my eyes started welling up, out of nowhere. I don’t know what it was… I can only guess it was my heart touched by a combination of the angelic sound of the dulcimer meeting the extraordinary woman in the bed, surrounded by a lot of love and good home-cooked food. I think its safe to say, all were touched in one way or another. Later, my friend told me that while I was playing, her friend kept looking over at me in gratitude, potentially offering additional peace during this trying time.

In the end, I feel blessed to have had these experiences. Music is just another form of energy, and like other forms of “energy-work”, can absolutely heal. Whether it’s with needles, herbs, hands, or words… when we fully embrace the notion of “EVERYTHING is energy”, then ANYTHING is possible!